Before the Unravelling......
Hey! Just checking in...
It’s been a while since my last blog, actually, it’s been quite some time.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m still here; still walking, sometimes crawling, sometimes dancing, through this thing called life. But I’m definitely still with you.
I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet lately, but this part of my journey has been… quite something! It felt like another level; a whole mix of pain, emotions, reflection, noticing, learning, and trying to put new skills into practice. And, as life tends to do, it’s also bitten me in the backside a few times along the way. Those external things we can’t control. Yes! Those have shown up with force too. So, it has been quite a difficult time, navigating and juggling life and going through psychotherapy..
But I’m here now, and I’m ready to start sharing it.
My last blog left you with the ‘real me’ taking the ‘little girl’ by the hand, offering her a hug, some safety, and gently leading her away from Mr. OCD.
When I sit here now and look back at that ending and it really does feel like some moons ago! What strikes me the most and shows me how far I have come, is how I wrote about the adult as the ‘real me’, and the girl as the ‘little girl’… like she was someone else entirely. Like she wasn’t me. I could feel her pain, it was raw and familiar (and to be honest it still is) ,like an ache, hurt, fear I’d known forever. But somehow, even through the writing, I had stepped away from her.
Looking back now, I honestly don’t know if I didn’t want to notice her… or if I just didn’t know how. Maybe I was scared? Maybe it was both?
What I do know now, that without meaning to; I was really quite cruel to her ( and sometimes still am). I shut her down, told her she couldn’t do things because it might upset other people. I told her to stop crying. I called her pathetic. Stupid. I said things to her I wouldn’t ever dream of saying to another child or even another living soul.
And I didn’t even realise I was doing it. That’s the hardest part.
It all happens so quickly, sometimes in less than a second and I always thought I was just talking to myself, the adult me. But now, even as I write that, I can feel the truth creeping in. I wouldn’t speak to another adult like that so why on earth was I speaking to myself that way?
This realisation. This is a big step. Noticing.
That poor little girl, so beautiful, so full of life, with her big brown eyes. I’ve ignored her for years. And not because I didn’t care but because I didn’t know how to care for her. I didn’t even know she was there and needed me.
Her basic needs, her wants, her voice, I’ve silenced them all, without meaning to, just trying to survive, just trying to get through.
And all this time, she’s been there… curled up tightly in a ball inside me. Too scared to come out. Too overwhelmed by a world that’s always felt far too loud, too fast, too much and relied on Mr OCD to occupy her.
But what I’m starting to realise now, is she isn’t someone separate. She isn’t just a memory, or a version of me I left behind......
She is me!!
I often hear people say there’s no point looking back. That it’s just about blaming others or avoiding responsibility but I can only talk from my own experience. And what I love about my psychotherapy journey is, it gives me a safe space, with someone qualified where I can explore things from my past and my present, through adult eyes.
It helps me see when that frightened little girl shows up. Why certain situations hit me hard. Why things feel so heavy sometimes. Why I get so overwhelmed or scared, why I still struggle.
It is not about blame. It’s about understanding.
It’s a bit like at work, if a mistake is made, we often look back. Not to point fingers, but to figure out what went wrong, and how to do it better next time. We step back, see where the issue started, maybe even talk it through. That’s all I’m doing here - Slightly more complicated - the brain is a very complex organ!! However, I’m trying to understand why, at 47, certain things feel so intense. Why my emotions feel so out of proportion. Why life feels like such a battle most days? Not so I can blame anyone. But so I can take responsibility as the adult I am and figure out how to feel less stuck and less overwhelmed. How I can live with a little more ease. How I can stop that constant, nagging pressure in the background.
So yes, I am looking back, but not to stay there; to see things clearly, to understand myself. Because that little girl deserves to be heard and I deserve to feel better now.
This wasn't a decision I made lightly and discussed it at great length with my psychologist. We discussed how hard it was going to be, and the time it would take ( although I do beat myself up about the time it is taking) but there is a lot to take in and I’m still learning how to meet my little girl's needs. Still learning how to be kind to her, to stand up for her. Still learning how to live in a way that includes her, rather than hides her away.....Always learning......
When I started to write the next part of my journey, it started to shape itself into a story. I didn’t sit down to write it that way, it just happened!
Maybe it’s no surprise, I have always loved books - the smell of a new book, an old book in fact. The feel of a book, the excitement of what I might discover. As a little girl, I loved reading; I adored writing stories, losing myself in magical places. I still remember the joy of getting an Enid Blyton hardback for Christmas, curling up in an armchair during those quiet days between Christmas and New Year, escaping into another world. It's always been one of those little joys in life that I often forget.
So my next blog will be told in the form of a story. A story in recognition of that little girl who I have not given nearly enough, if any attention to over the years. Some may say this story may not be appropriate or too complex for a young child. I agree but this is in recognition that she has, without me realising, carried these types of responsibilities for too many years and it is now time for her to go and play, read books and do as a child should. Because adult me is here and I will look after her and protect her. I will make mistakes but she has my word that I will always be there for her and will always try my best for her.
'I promise you little girl, I am here for you always.
*****
I would like to thank you for reading today's blog and I do hope you will go on to read the next blog...She Tells Her Story Part 2 - The Grass Beneath Me. Click the button below.
That Girl With OCD xx
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